Remembering Apak

I am so ashamed of myself. How could I forget today is my late father's birthday? When an sms came from Ateh this morning, I sat quietly on my bed, holding on to my knee. I suddenly feel very 'rindu' - no English word can describe the feeling of 'rindu'. It is more than the feeling of missing someone you love dearly. It is more than feeling very sad knowing that someone you love so much is no more with you. It is above the feeling of longing for someone you always wanted to be with. It is simply 'rindu'. 'Rindu' is the ultimate feeling after you feel 'longing for someone' and followed by the feeling of 'sad knowing that someone is no more with you', and end up with 'feel deeply depressed without that someone with you'. I feel so 'rindu' to Apak.

However, I don't want to be carried away with the sadness and the deep depression. I know Apak wouldn't want me so. He was a very strong man, commanding and managing our big family, the pillar of our strength and the centre to which we refer to almost anything - life, love, sad, fruits, trees, river, fish, children upbringing, politic, economy, business, religion and you just name it, he was always there to give his wise thought.

I remember when I attended a Mind Science course in Penang in 1995, one of the module (to seek advise from the other side) is to choose who is our ultimate mentor that we can rely on, to answer to EVERY doubt we have. The trainer gave examples like Einstein, Ust Harun Din, Dr. Mahathir, and many other big names. I know, without any single doubt, my best 'other side' to whom I can consult anytime and any topic with, is Apak. Until today, Apak is still in that 'faculty' where I seek advise from.

I know Apak loves me very much. Sometimes I feel, he loves me more than my other siblings. I know it is not true but that is how he makes you feel, being loved and care more than anyone else. I remember that day, the opening of Ateh's first office in Taman Tun. Ateh secretly arranged for my trip back to KL. Nobody knows about that arrangement. It was supposed to be a surprise and a big surprised it was. I still can graphically see in my eyes Apak's reaction when he saw me entering the room. I can still remember his reaction, very clearly, the moment he saw me and acclaimed "Allahu Akbar!" with his surprised tone, rushed to me and hugged me. I can feel his warm tears falling on my shoulder. Subhanallah, I cannot hold to my tears anymore now!

The day of his demise, I cannot accept that he's no more with us because the life support machine connected to him was still beeping. Deep in my heart, I was hoping for miracles. I have seen in movies that people are back to alive eventhough that machine show a straight line with a long beeeep kind of sound. His is still beeping. I was hoping it was a mistake on the doctor's side. I remember Ngah consoling me, telling me to let him go. I keep on whispering "Allahu" by his ears. Mak was by my side trying to calm me down. I hold Apak's hand and keep on hoping that I was dreaming. But Allah loves him more than I do, more than love that we, the children, can confer him. He wanted Apak to be with Him, to shower him with loves he was promised with. May his soul be bestowed with His Graciousness and His Mercifulness, together with those on whom He bestowed with His Grace. If Apak is still alive, he is 80 today. Al Fatehah to Apak.

Remembering Apak, reminds me to submit my unconditional love to Mak.

(I did post something about my feeling to Apak here)
(My sister's posting on Apak here)
(Nini's tribute here)